What the heck kind of a tag line is that anyway? Of course I am referring to pathetic online dating profile tag lines. Okay, so note to self: Never let your mother bribe you into signing up for an online dating profile. Honestly, I’m not dead yet, Mom…
So this is my first post in what will probably end up being a self indulgent public diary. That’s what a blog is anyway, right? I have made many attempts at trying this blog thing to no avail. Why might you ask is it going to be different this time? Well, I felt a spark today, one that has propelled me into the necessary momentum and purpose one needs to maintain a blog. In other words, I’m bored. Yes, I moved to Nashville in hot pursuit of big dreams that had nothing to to with the music industry. Today I revel in the anticlimactic, day-old breadness of it all.
Getting back to online dating services…
I went to Chicago for Thanksgiving. During that time, I learned that my mother had created an online dating profile for herself. After dealing with a moment of awkward discomfort brought on by the thought of weirdos checking out my mom in cyberspace, I concluded this was a good idea…for her. She is a highly educated woman, a deep thinker, and in better shape than most 25 year olds I know. Since she is a 52 year old woman, it seems that the dating pool might be slight. So as she would say, she might as well “cast her net a little wider”. I, on the other hand, never considered myself to be of the internet dating variety. After all, I am only 29. Actually, I am kinda turned off by the whole thing – nay, indignant. I have a preconceived notion about the whole thing which stems from the deepest and most sarcastic caverns of my mind – the place where bats and Golum dwell. I’m so above this, right? Has my life really come to this? So before I knew it, my mother was creating a profile for me, demanding my debit card, and charging $101 to it activating me for six months. And by activating, I mean: Actively Available. Mind you, this particular sight boldly boasts love will be found in six months, guaranteed. My question is, if this does not come to pass can I have my six months back? Better yet, my dignity?
Once I realized that there was no turning back I decided I better have a hand in completing the profile lest I should only attract men that fit my mother’s deranged criteria. So here it is ladies and gentlemen, this is what I wrote to attract the mate of a lifetime, my one true love. . .
I will have a hard time summing myself up, describing what can only be appropriately represented through interpretive dance. In all seriousness, I am a jokester, light-hearted, free-spirited, artsy, intellect, cleverly masked by the permanent look of stupor I wear upon my prematurely weathered face. No lie.
Back in Nam, I developed an involuntary eye twitch and insatiable need to shout obscenities at the most inappropriate times, such as funerals. Because of this I am currently estranged from my family due to the recent and untimely death of my grandmother. During which time her wake was disrupted resulting in a broken casket.
I kid, I kid. I’m very sarcastic but totally playful. Chances are I will always be this way. I do not fit into any mold and am resistant to any urging to do so. I am happy being eclectic and random at times. A proud dork, simultaneously fashionable. I will grow vegetables and harvest them. We can kill the fatted calf for your special guests.
I believe in love and I’m looking for a best friend for life that’s wants to sleep in the same bed. The fact is, if you want to get involved with me you need to understand I will never be your conventional housewife. Although, I can absolutely tear it up in the kitchen.
You should be artistic or at least have a healthy appreciation of the arts. Speaking intelligently with both sarcasm and fervor is standard criteria for long-term satisfaction in a relationship with me. I will most likely be loud but always entertaining. Can you handle this?
You should probably have a job and be striving to achieve something greater than a Porsche. I need consistency and loyalty. I will require attention but know that quality will certainly outweigh quantity. Please take care of your body and eat good food, otherwise I probably wont be interested. Our lifestyles will not match otherwise.
I’m a smart ass with a high level of integrity. Working my way through college right now. Most important I have a four year old son named, “Batman”. He’s pretty radical. We are a package deal and that’s for real. There is no compromise on this issue. He will always come first and rightly so. If you’re cool, I might let you be in our club. Peace be with you.
Is it any wonder that after all that honesty I have yet to make a love connection? I did however meet one individual for lunch which I am anxious to tell you all about, next time…