Note to Self: Who really can be certain?
Have you ever seen those people walking down the street or in the mall perhaps – the kind that have chains jingling from their pants – the tell tale question mark posture indicating their fascination with their own shoes – the sheen of an oil-slicked scalp punctuating their deviant existence? Now, do you think to yourself, “good grief, find yourself already, would you?” It seems we associate a disconnect with one’s own understanding of self and an obvious demonstration of societal deviance. In other words, if someone appears to not “fit the mold” we assume they are lost. Well, maybe YOU don’t, but I have.
I have been guilty of quickly assigning labels to the neighborhood characters in an effort to explain their role in the world…or lack there of. Yea, I’ve judged a person or two. Indeed, I have even had logs in my eye a few times. But sadly, I believe I have felt no more secure of my own place in this world than any other individual that more closely fits the criteria for one who should battle with this. I have realized that no one is exempt from the personal struggle of doubting your own purpose in life.
So is it any wonder, that at nearly 30, I still toss and turn in my bed at night, between high-thread count sheets and down comforters that make me feel grown up, battling my own doubts? In fact, the severity of my doubts can be revealed in angst-ridden inner dialogues to the tune of: maybe you should start your own taco cart and call it “I HEART TACOS” – but wait, you’re going to be a lawyer – is it too late to pursue a modeling career? – surely they have a reality T.V. show where 30 something single mothers find love, right? – Stop! you’re going to start your own business, a green conversion consulting firm – why don’t you paint something? – is it possible to develop genius abilities later in life? – etc.
Could I not have been the child that came from the mother’s womb proclaiming her future as a doctor? When and where did I miss the cart that handed out the certainty of our futures? I missed that cart. It’s like summer time, when you were a kid and you heard the ice-cream truck melody, The Entertainer, and you ran around the house ravenously screaming for your dad to give you a freaking dollar so you could score a dilly pop. You snatch the money without losing your momentum for the door – you fling the door open in hot pursuit of that ice cream truck only to discover that damn, you’ve missed it. Sometimes I feel like I was jipped out of my dilly pop of life called, “certainty”. Instead, I feel like that kid being taunted by the little girl who actually got the ice cream. You know, like the *Eddie Murphy skit? “I got some ice cream and you cant have none…” It feels like I am watching everyone else enjoy their ice cream when all I want is some of my own.
Okay, so let’s get real. Obviously I know this is no keen observation on my part. I flatter myself somewhat aware of the human condition and that like myself, many struggle with this thing called, certainty – the certainty that we are on the right path to fulfilling our destiny. The crux of the matter, however, is that I often wonder if fulfilling my destiny is the constant and uphill battle of trying to…fulfill my destiny. How bout them apples? Bet you never thought of that. Just kidding, I’m only slightly more clever-er (made up word) than you. And I have high thread-count sheets, which ultimately amounts to nothing more than a less abrasive sleeping experience and an ability to talk fine linens.
Can I get a show of hands as to how many people this crazy rant resonates with? Is anyone else feeling like they were jipped out of their dilly pop called, “certainty”? And if it is, can you point me in the direction of a support group? I mean, we all have to feel like we belong – even if its belonging to a group where everyone feels like they don’t belong.
I’m really glad I got this off my chest. In doing so, I finally figured out what I am going to do with my life. I’m starting my own company specializing in a niche product. I am going to manufacture a gourmet ice cream line called, “Certainty Pops – So You Can Be Certain”. I should be able to get started on this just as soon as I finish law school.
I heart tacos.