I don’t even know what I’m saying.

Note to Self:  Who really can be certain?

Have you ever seen those people walking down the street or in the mall perhaps – the kind that have chains jingling from their pants – the tell tale question mark posture indicating their fascination with their own shoes – the sheen of an oil-slicked scalp punctuating their deviant existence?  Now, do you think to yourself, “good grief, find yourself already, would you?”  It seems we associate a disconnect with one’s own understanding of self and an obvious demonstration of societal deviance.  In other words, if someone appears to not “fit the mold” we assume they are lost.  Well, maybe YOU don’t, but I have.

I have been guilty of quickly assigning labels to the neighborhood characters in an effort to explain their role in the world…or lack there of.  Yea, I’ve judged a person or two.   Indeed, I have even had logs in my eye a few times.  But sadly, I believe I have felt no more secure of my own place in this world than any other individual that more closely fits the criteria for one who should battle with this.  I have realized that no one is exempt from the personal struggle of doubting your own purpose in life.

So is it any wonder, that at nearly 30, I still toss and turn in my bed at night, between high-thread count sheets and down comforters that make me feel grown up, battling my own doubts?  In fact, the severity of my doubts can be revealed in angst-ridden inner dialogues to the tune of: maybe you should start your own taco cart and call it “I HEART TACOS” – but wait, you’re going to be a lawyer – is it too late to pursue a modeling career? – surely they have a reality T.V. show where 30 something single mothers find love, right? – Stop! you’re going to start your own business, a green conversion consulting firm – why don’t you paint something? – is it possible to develop genius abilities later in life? – etc.

Could I not have been the child that came from the mother’s womb proclaiming her future as a doctor?  When and where did I miss the cart that handed out the certainty of our futures?  I missed that cart.  It’s like summer time, when you were a kid and you heard the ice-cream truck melody, The Entertainer, and you ran around the house ravenously screaming for your dad to give you a freaking dollar so you could score a dilly pop.  You snatch the money without losing your momentum for the door – you fling the door open in hot pursuit of that ice cream truck only to discover that damn, you’ve missed it.  Sometimes I feel like I was jipped out of my dilly pop of life called, “certainty”.  Instead, I feel like that kid being taunted by the little girl who actually got the ice cream.  You know, like the *Eddie Murphy skit? “I got some ice cream and you cant have none…”  It feels like I am watching everyone else enjoy their ice cream when all I want is some of my own.

Okay, so let’s get real.  Obviously I know this is no keen observation on my part.  I flatter myself somewhat aware of the human condition and that like myself, many struggle with this thing called, certainty – the certainty that we are on the right path to fulfilling our destiny.  The crux of the matter, however, is that I often wonder if fulfilling my destiny is the constant and uphill battle of trying to…fulfill my destiny.  How bout them apples? Bet you never thought of that.  Just kidding, I’m only slightly more clever-er (made up word) than you.  And I have high thread-count sheets, which ultimately amounts to nothing more than a less abrasive sleeping experience and an ability to talk fine linens.

Can I get a show of hands as to how many people this crazy rant resonates with?  Is anyone else feeling like they were jipped out of their dilly pop called, “certainty”?  And if it is, can you point me in the direction of a support group?  I mean, we all have to feel like we belong – even if its belonging to a group where everyone feels like they don’t belong.

I’m really glad I got this off my chest.  In doing so, I finally figured out what I am going to do with my life.  I’m starting my own company specializing in a niche product.  I am going to manufacture a gourmet ice cream line called, “Certainty Pops – So You Can Be Certain”.  I should be able to get started on this just as soon as I finish law school.

I heart tacos.

*It’s Eddie Murphy, be advised.



  1. Beth

    To be awarded some sort of direction would have been nice. I wish I had had some indian father telling me “you will be a doctor” so that I didn’t have to figure it out on my own. Plus, I hate school, but I do heart tacos.


  2. Mark McGowan

    I am 8000 people trapped in one body.

    My therapist told me once in his exasperatingly upbeat manner that “it is sooo coool for you, you will get to experience sooo many different things and places, some people just do one thing..” And for a moment he had me on board with his excitement; my predicament had become my blessing. Of course as i am sure you can attest to, those moments of clarity and peace are short lived between the adoration of silky sheets and the hours of stressed, sweaty nights of worry and discontent in them.

    But i did learn one thing from that. I will no longer want to achieve the single focus that some of those lucky kids out there who caught the ice cream truck may have, but instead i now want to become not only OK with but fully excited that i will never be content for long periods of time doing the same thing. I will be an ever changing, life embracing, roller coaster riding chameleon – this is our superpower we just need to learn how to embrace it and harness its energies.

    I am no closer to achieving this.. in fact i may be much worse off then ever before. Still perhaps in this blurb or rambles there is a hint of hope. So put down the ‘Certainty Pops’ – you don’t want that. Instead lets celebrate your realization that studying law is too much of a commitment at your taco shop for sale because you now want to become a full time model – and just as we sit down along comes oppertunity knocking with a face we had never expected to see..

    deep. i know.


  3. Jessica LaPlante

    “What I really lack is to be clear in my mind what I am to do, not what I am to know… the things is to find a truth which is true for me, to find the idea for which I can live and die.” – Soren Kierkegaard
    This is understood and felt to be some sort of failing. To me, certainty seems illusory. It’s a failed concept when applied to things which are inherently uncertain, such as one’s future career or a romantic attraction. It’s commitment, if we choose it, or it’s inspiration, but it’s never certainty with these sorts of things.
    I was going for inspirational, but think I erred on the side of severe. My bad.


  4. Auntie Jen

    What I felt gyped by or maybe even betrayed by, was becoming a mature adult and figuring out that it was more common to feel uncertain of your path and fulfilling your destiny and yet every adult in my sphere had acted with supreme confidence and never let their cracks show. I felt that this facade was slightly deceptive and I had felt so inadequate and failing in the face of it. It was a breve adult one day who simply told me that they too questioned themselves everyday, same as I. Moni, I do believe you are getting it right when you say it is the journey more than the perfected outcome or the stated goals. I am still a little perturbed with those who maintain the facade. Please, get real! ❤ you


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