You don’t get to know.

It’s quite easy to yield to God’s will when things are known, consistent and predictable.  But there comes a time in each of our lives when we don’t get to know  – even when we are completely submitted.  In this – I believe we are fostering something bigger than we are capable of understanding.  Perhaps they are the “beyond our wildest” kind.  Whatever the case, I am coming to realize that despite the Proverbs command to seek and acquire knowledge – in some instances this proves to be completely futile.

This is perhaps one of the greatest struggles I have encountered in my adult life – the need to know.  I’m sure most people would agree that it’s great to know what you are walking into – what lies ahead so to speak.  But for me – I think mine transcends the ‘normal’ desire.  I’ll blame that on (and I’ll use the word “blame” loosely) the sheer lack of control I’ve had over many circumstances in my life.  It’s not rocket science.  Basic psychology will tell you that when people experience trauma or other things damaging to their emotions or psyche – some kind of compensation takes place.  This usually manifests by way of control.  When a person is made to feel so completely out of control – you can rest assured they will probably try to prevent that from happening – EVER.

My road to letting go has been a long, messy and extremely painful one.  But I’m not complaining.  I have come to love the life and beauty that has been birthed out of certain death.  All that credit goes to The Father – He’s the only one I know that can make all things new and trade beauty for ashes.  Amazing.  But I am constantly presented with new opportunities to come up just a little higher.  This always seems to happen right in those moments when I’ve told myself, “yea, you’ve got this, it’s smooth sailing from here”.  Yea right.  I can hear the words of my mother reverberating in my mind right now,

You think you’re standing?  Watch out.

Trust Mom for a hard, yet truthful dose of reality.  So I find myself once again in state of the fire being cranked up.  What makes this experience slightly different though, is that I’ve always known what was being refined.  This time I am at a complete loss.  But I sense His presence – and the constant words of friends who know little about my battle, letting me know they’ve been praying for reasons they do not understand, assures me this pain is purposed.

I believe it is the not knowing which is the very essence of Christian Faith.  After all – faith is the substance of things hoped for – the evidence of things not seen.  I see…nothing.  I feel everything.  I am completely yielded to the process.  I am in pain but nonetheless forgotten by Him.  He’s doing something and I don’t get to know this time.  So in faith I’ll say, “I am okay with it”.

Rapid fire – rapid refining.  Looking towards the gold.


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