Insomniac.

This past week has been one of very little sleep.  In all seriousness – I am not talking about an average of 3 to 4 hours a night.  No – I shouldn’t be so lucky.  The reality is I’ve had 2 nights of ZERO hours of sleep with the other five days totaling maybe 13 hours.  I’ve been riding a wave of euphoria – at times mistaking it for a fever mixed with vertigo that is not actually vertigo – but rather an altered perception of depth due to sleep deprivation.  Nevertheless – we must press on.

The beauty in all this is that it was polite enough to occur during the same week my executive business team flew in from PA to spend three days with my partner and I to discuss strategic business matters.  No worry – this requires very little attention span and ability to think critically.  I sense my sarcasm setting a tone here.

The truth is – I’ve somehow managed to have a very productive week while maintaining a sincere smile on my face.  I’m not exactly sure how this is even possible.  Similar factors at any other time would be a guarantee for arm flailing, violence of all sorts, mouth foaming, involuntary eye twitching, and a general loss of fine motor skills.  So why not now?

Despite these trying times, I’ve used this as an opportunity to press in to God more aggressively than ever before.  And what I can tell you is that the real battle has not stemmed from my fatigue, but it’s been in the execution of extreme control over my mind.  I’ve really taken this as an exercise in managing my thought life.

I do understand how powerful our thoughts are over shaping our ultimate reality.  I am not now just coming to this realization. Duhs – perception is reality…and any other cliche that fits.  Yes I’ve read the books: The Power of Positive Thinking, The Secret, etc.  Indeed, I, and I dare say more than any of my friends, have spouted off positive thinking rhetoric for years.  But you see, I think the crux of the matter is that we can actually be self deceived – and therein lies the battle to gain control over it.  Why should you desire to gain control over something that you do not realize is negatively affecting you.  My brain hurts.

I’ve heard it said that sometimes when people fast, they not only restrict food, but also sleep.  It used to make me chuckle a bit – the practice of refraining from sleep to get closer to God.  Obviously if you deprive yourself of sleep you are going to have some kind of altered experience – with or without God.  However, sleep deprived or not, if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you.  In the utter desperation I’ve felt over this past week – running to Him has been the only thing that’s yielded a modicum of peace.  I was all over it.

You know what – I’ve had some of the most amazing time with Him because of it.  And energy that I cannot explain has carried me through a most challenging week: mentally, physically, spiritually, maternally, and any other “lly” I’ve left out.

I think that by pursuing His presence alone and resting in it we are energized.  I have literally been unable to muster words or prayers but heard Him speak very clearly to me:  Just stay here for a bit – rest in Me.  So I have.  I’m catching glimpses of what it means to hide yourself in Him.  I feel I’ve barely scratched the surface – but I’m so inspired to get more, go deeper, how deep can I go?  Since He has no end or beginning – the possibility of where this could take me, I am barely able to wrap my mind around.

More levels, more layers, things understood not in the mind but in the spirit.  The more I know Him, the less I understand Him.  This is as it should be, yes?  I don’t think He wants us to understanding Him.  If we could – would we pursue the mystery?  I am dumbstruck – and not for lack of sleep.  God is way outside of the silly little box I’ve constructed and I feel much more safety in that.  Who are you Father?  I realize my mind and spirit are arch enemies.  The more my spirit understands, I am coming to realize, the less my mind is going to connect with it.  This is a good thing.

Free falling now.

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