It’s clear that life is full of disappointments. Perhaps the most painful being those that rely on relationships to produce a desired result. We cant very well stay angry or hurt with our laptop or coffee maker if they fail to deliver what we expect. Although – I have screamed explanetives at my laptop a time or two. However, the emotions are fleeting once realizing my exertions are being wasted on an inanimate object. But people – oh yes – people. Who can illustrate the depths of their failings – the offenses they carelessly impose on us. . .or seemingly so. Is it possible to separate the individual from their actions and see something bigger – or maybe not so big? And more, can we remove all the layers of garbage we bring to the equation – the shit colored lenses we sometimes view the world through, in an effort to gain objectivity? What is objectivity anyway? What is real? I think – therefore it is. Is it?
How do I get outside of my own warped perceptions, above the clouds where the sun shines bright, to see the beautiful and complex truth of my circumstances? Nothing is ever straight forward, as much as I’d like it to be. There is a lesson in everything – some simple wisdom to be gained, perhaps. At the very least, a fail leading to disappointment or consequence should hardwire a caution that hopefully equips us in avoiding the next plunder. Right? But our steps are ordered – can we be okay with the sovereignty of our existence – accepting struggles as lessons that refine? I’d be lying if I said I have this figured out and I’m okay with all this.
I don’t want to hope in people – for it is clear that every individual I’ve come close to disappoints me…in one way or another. Do I crucify them for it? No – of course not. I most assuredly piss them of from time to time as well. Maybe more than I am willing to admit. What can I reasonably expect from my personal relationships then? Respect at a most basic level. But even the gas station attendant respects me to some degree – and frankly, that’s not enough. It’s clear we are all looking for intimacy, loyalty, love. These are precious commodities – especially in a world that thrives on instancy. Because there is no immediate intimacy, loyalty is earned, love is developed.
If it’s true that God can satisfy these needs in us alone, then please, somebody show me the way. I’m tired of the religious cliches. I want something real, permanent. Please. But just don’t let me be governed by expectations that cannot be fulfilled by man anymore. It’s time to come up higher. What am I learning here? It’s fire…and it burns.