Free, right? Never free. How do I put myself out there at no cost? It’s perhaps the greatest cost – baring my soul to the world. As far as you know I’m a hard-ass that has her shit together and doesn’t really need anyone. And that’s very true! To some degree.
The cost of putting myself out there increases in proportion to a softening. I think I am finally at a place in my life where I feel safe enough to be completely and unabashedly vulnerable. My heart is held firmly in the hands of the father. Who can wound me?
I met a man a month and a half ago. We had a great hang one night – sharing stories about underground hip-hop, drinking cheap box wine and definitely dancing. I left surprised that evening to find the person I’d turned down offers to be “hooked up” with by friends, was actually pretty amazing. Even still, when I learned he’d asked for my number the next day I said no.
I’ll spare you the details on why I shirked his advances because this rejection only lasted a couple days. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was fun, charming, all man, and mostly tender.
I’ve spent the last six weeks getting to know him and it’s been amazing. I quickly found myself adopting the idea of Mr. Man becoming a regular fixture around here. His character. So rare. So attractive.
When he asked to meet my son last week I felt confident in him and welcomed the next step. I don’t know how to convey what happened that day. Easy. Samuel loved him. They were like old cronies and you obviously know what this did for my heart.
All that ended today. For no other reason than a heart simply not engaging. Damn.